BEC名师点评作文（4）

　　BEC剑桥商务英语证书在中国被认可的主要以外资企业居多，特别是英联邦和欧盟成员国家的企业。BEC在外企及外籍人士中认可度还是很高的。

本期作文题目：

　　You are the office manager at an insurancecompany. You have arranged for contractors toupgrade your computer system. This means thesystem will be shut down for a full day.

　　Write a memo of 40-50 words:

　　informing staff of the shutdown

　　telling them when it will happen

　　asking them to prepare alternative work for theday.

　　老师提示：

　　商务写作中遵循的原则是：简洁，精确，礼貌。在考试中或者工作中，格式基本已经给出，所以只需要我们写正文即可。正文中我们写作要做到选词精当，一针见血，语法正确，不出低级错误的句子。备忘录属于半正式的文体写作，所以在句子选择上可以适当放宽，不必太正式。

　　网友作文一：

　　MEMORANDUM

　　from : Tom TO : all staff

　　date : 25/8

　　Because our computor system will be upgraded by the contractors on 28 AUGUEST, so thesystem will be shut down for a full day on that day[1], i ask for you prepare alternative workfor the[2] day. and the work don't use computer system .

　　i think you can give a good performance to me to pass the accident. [3]

　　TOM

　　_________________________________________

　　1.Business writing 中尽量少使用because....so... 这样的结构，看起来不够专业，改为：As we planto upgrade.....

　　2.有中式英文的痕迹：我要求你们。。。。改为：please prepare alternative work if you have touse the computer.

　　3.这不能算作accident, 既然已经计划好了。整句去掉。换成thank you.

　　网友作文二：

　　From: office manager

　　To: all staff

　　Subject: the company system

　　I would like to notify you that [1]the computer system of our company's will be shut downon this Tuesday for a whole day long [2]on account of the system needs a upgrade.[3]Therefore, please taking notice of this event in advance, in case of some potentialinconveniences and troubles on Tuesday, yet prepare alternative work for that day. [4]

　　Thank you.[5]　　_________________________________________

　　[1]去掉这个开头，直接用被动语态开头。

　　[2]去掉，多余了。

　　[3]如果你不能保证用长复句可以表达清楚，那么建议换成短句吧。拆成几个短句也许表达更贴切呢。

　　[4]这句话看起来非常不清楚，主语在哪里?please 的后面是吗?改成：please make sure that youhave prepared alternative work.

　　[5]另换一行